Artie Returns froms Rehab
They told me Artie went to rehab I said no, no, no…
Artie goes back to his roots in shady pool halls, scores some H and jumps back on the heroin highway blowing off the Springsteen show at Giants stadium, misses the Bob Saget roast, cancels some standup gigs and checks back into “rehab”. As Howard put it, “Jackie Gleason times ten”.
As usual, Howard started off the show by setting up yet another highly anticipated return of Artie Lange by talking about his vacation and trying to reach the deadline of submitting the forward to Artie’s book. While rushing through the draft, Howard gets an email from Jimmy Kimmel saying that Artie didn’t make the Saget roast and is in rehab.
About 7 weeks ago Artie started hanging out with the old crowd, playing as an alternate in a pool league. As Artie explains his background in billiards, we learn of yet another unheard tale of young Artie. Turns out, Artie was some kind of small time con man hustling a “room full of shitheads…complete losers” [students] in games of 9-ball like New Jersey Fats or something.
So Artie returned to the pool hall, skipped his subutex and started drinking. At the end of the night Artie was really drunk entering the “danger-zone”. He runs into some guy that offers Artie some heroin and Artie buys a couple of $40 bags. Fast forward to next morning Artie woke up the next day almost suicidal feeling guilty. He continues to party for a few days at home with lady H and three days before going to Afganistan he forces himself to stop. He starts taking subutex again and returns to a quasi normal routine.
8 hours after returning from Afganistan, happy from a successful USO tour, Artie rewarded himself with more heroin. Enter: the much talked about homecoming party at house where he previously claimed he was in the shower instead of entertaining guests. Artie wasn’t in the shower but was upstairs with some friends doing heroin. Robin said no wonder there was no food or booze for the guests because Artie was upstairs getting high.
Artie said his mother and sister could tell he was on something and started giving ultimatums [possibly stop talking to him]. They would tell him that the shore house was supposed to be a place he could relax. He said he couldn’t bullshit them anymore but he didn’t have the balls or guts to tell them they were right even though they are the most important thing in his life family.
Out of the blue, Richard Lewis called Artie and says that he really didn’t know much about him besides meeting through the show. He googled Artie and saw that he had had some problems. He told him that he wasn’t sure if Artie needed help but if he did there was a doctor that saved his life from addiction problems and that he understands comics and the road. While this conversation is going on, Artie has a big bag of heroin right on the table in front of him. To Art’s credit, he writes down the guy’s name and number.
The worst has yet to come
Now Artie had a Springsteen show and the LA trip coming up which was going to give him a rare weekend of hanging out with friends and make some money over there. Already Artie started not feeling well at all. He wound up sending 6 of his friends to the concert without him.
Next Artie is supposed to leave NY on Saturday at 3pm but he didn’t stop doing drugs. He was trying to figure out when he could take his subutex. Artie added that everything becomes hell because you are planning your life around it….when snorting heroin, he needs to do it a couple times an hour - a line or two just to stay normal or somewhat high. Artie claims he never did it during the show. The high would go away but the withdrawals wouldn’t start until much later.
He tried putting off the flight till 6:50pm. This would transform his schedule to a day that starts 6:50pm New York time and end 1:30am LA time. 6:50pm begins looming on him like this torture time. He had run out of heroin at midnight the night before. He had set his alarm for 4:30pm. He wakes up and realizes nothing is packed and all the jokes [for the Bob Saget roast] are all over the place. He is running around trying to throw it all in a bag. Then he lost all track of time and dropped a subutex which is a big mistake because you are not supposed to take a subutex so soon after a taking heroin. Not to mention only within 3 hours of stopping a two day heroin spree.
As he is getting all his shit together he gets violently ill, the chills, but hot and pale as a ghost trying to get in a shower. Then he just became totally dysfunctional. He thought maybe he would just get on the plane without anything and buy clothes when he gets there. His assistant already had the jokes copied, all he had to do was get on the jet.
He tried taking another shower because he kept sweating. Every time he put on another pair of sweat pants, they would become soaked and he started running out of clothes. He got down to his last pair of pants and realized that there was no way he could make the roast. He puts a call into his pharmacist. His concern was no longer the roast, but now was surviving, living and getting clean. So naturally the next person he calls is his lawyer. It is now 1am LA time. He Leaves a voicemail saying that he is really sick and won’t make the roast (this now being on the day of the roast).
Now he looks in the mirror and sees his skin pigmentation turning green. He goes and lays down on the bed now writhing in pain thinking this is how this crazy life ends, dying at 40. The lawyer calls back and tells him he talked to the producer. Artie tells the guy he has the flu. The lawyer asks if he could just get on any plane. At this point, the producer is trying to get a show done so he says they can have a private jet with a doctor on board and there would be another doctor that would meet him in Burbank when he gets off the plane.
So now he is pondering how can he doing this but then realizing he would either die on the show or die on the jet, he starts thinking against it. He also knows that if he shows up, all the jokes will be about Artie and drugs during the roast. He then thought if he could get some morphine from the doctor that he maybe could pull off the show. “The old me would have said fuck it, get on the plane and do more drugs”. This would be the first time he said no and that he really needed help. He finally alluded to the lawyer what was going on and they told comedy central and they were really understanding and nice about it and very supportive.
Turning the stone
Artie takes the 2 Tylenol and somehow falls asleep. He wakes up 4 hours later in his bed soaking wet. He decides to get checked into a detox he knew about in jersey where he had been in before. He committed himself over night there but knew it wasn’t the best facility. The next day that said they would will let him out under a physicians care. So he called the Richard Lewis’ doctor. The guy answered the call and said he was expecting [Richard said Artie might call].
So as it stands now, he has been this doctor’s care for about a week. He is no longer popping subutex, only as the doctor prescribes – every 12 hours. Artie said Richard was right about the guy, he is brilliant and he enjoys talking to him [talks to him for an hour each day]. Artie added that he would not be talking to him today because the guy was unavailable and that he was mad about that. A total 360 from where he was.
Artie said he received Howard’s forward at the perfect time. He was very touched and said it has inspired him to get healthy. His mom and sister read it as well and were also moved. He said that it meant a million things to him. He said he had been off heroin for 8 days and loving his sobriety. The goal is to stop everything, even booze, for a long time and he has stopped shooting pool.
August 11th, 2008 at 5:16 am
Dumb ass was back on the horse, way to fuck it up you spoiled bastard.
August 11th, 2008 at 7:06 am
Goddammit Art! Seriously dude, what the fuck?!?
August 11th, 2008 at 7:49 am
I can’t wait for him to OD…..Howard I want back on the SHOW.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
August 11th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Remind me again what Artie adds to the show? Seems like nothing but lies to me. Shit I get more reality in show from America’s Next Top Model. The show is a sham now Howard, get rid of him.
August 11th, 2008 at 8:09 am
all I have to say is “I called it”
Artie’s Taint Says:
June 19th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
This poor fat bastard is obviously in trouble. Don’t be fooled “again”, nodding out and passing out by a KNOWN HEROIN addict are clear signs that he is using yet again. I feel terrible for him, and they all need to realize he is in serious trouble, but most importantly, Artie needs to realize it—sadly–he never will.
August 11th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Dang, the Taint nailed it!
August 11th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Moron, i can’t believe this is true, he needs more than a week of rehab
August 11th, 2008 at 8:30 am
I always enjoy seeing the ‘fans’ of Artie posting such crap about how he is spoiled, cant wait for him to OD…WTF you losers, quit sucking on the man-tit of Artie and get a life. You bums are the first ones to buy the autographed DVD special edition of Beer League and you come here to grouse about your hero. For fucks sake you are posting on this website at 0-early AM, who is the real loser? I think this website might be breeding some stalkers here…
On another note, I love how Howard starts off the show with Artie in rehab for getting back on the horse, and his first guest is Seth Rogan talking about his pothead movie and how fun it is to smoke weed and do drugs. CLASSIC!
August 11th, 2008 at 9:30 am
I’m only happy I was wrong saying that Artie will never realize it. I seriously thought he was a-goner. It was only his own destruction and through a serious meltdown (such as he described this morning) that he was able to find some semblance of rehab-a-bility. Let’s hope this therapist, Richard Lewis’ therapist, can help this poor bastard.
August 11th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Doesnt Sirius have an anti-drug policy. Every time you start a new job you have to sign a bunch of forms one of them being a company drug policy. Basically if you are on drugs at work you will be fired.
Anyone else would have been fired, how come this Fat S.O.B. gets away with it. I want Sirius HR to do its job and can this lard ass.
August 11th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Artie you fucking pussy. Just stop doing the H and drink and smoke pot like the rest of us. You fat dope. What are you going to do drink club soda at the night clubs? Wipe your enormous vagina and have a Jack Daniels.
August 11th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Sirius Human Resources, I agree. That’s what he’s lying about, there’s no way he got through a whole show without a little fix at the stage of his addiction.
August 11th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Im starving…
August 11th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Is Artie’s beach house near where he grew up??? I would think all of his old dirtbag friends would try to make it to a party there and get him in trouble.
August 11th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Wow, I feel bad for him. He is truly Self-Destructive, to stop taking the Subutex just so you can feel the high from the heroin is really bad. He was abusing the Sub in the first place and now he has escalated back to the H, he on the fast track to an OD. Until he gets all the mind altering shit out of his body, he’s not going to be able to kick it all, that stuff just numbs you to the point where you can Fuck your life up and not care about it until everything is gone. He needs real help, hope he gets it.
August 11th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Artie is a fucking loser. Im done with him.
Stupid fat fucking loser. He is pathetic.
August 11th, 2008 at 11:59 am
No wonder I havent gotten it up in months.
August 11th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
GIVE RODNEY A CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 11th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I wish all the best for Artie in his sobriety. I love him on Howard and he is one of the most talented comedians I’ve seen. I have been around friends family members struggling with addiction and it’s great to hear his family and friends are supporting him 110% in what hopes to be his final push for a sober life. Good Luck Artie!
August 11th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
no no noooooo
August 11th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
actually, most companies are required to see employees through a course of treatment before they simply fire someone. believe it or not, addiction is an illness.
August 11th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Every single word that comes out of Artie’s mouth is a lie. It’s been that way his entire life, but he’s under more scrutiny now, and the lies are unraveling. He was high again during today’s show.
Would you believe him if he said he wasn’t? If you would, you’re a fucking idiot.
August 11th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I hate to say it because he use to be my favorite but fuck this Chunk. Hes the first to say WAaaaaa! but hes the king of Waaaaaa! The dude disrespects his mother which he supposedly holds so dear, he disrespects his friends and they are all making it worse ” Ohhhh Artie , we will be there, get better” and then he shits on them again. They should tell him to buck up or fuck off. If he is truly trying to do better he should go O.D. and hopefully he will live , only that close a brush with death would wake his fat ass up to what a crybaby hes being. Wake up you baby shit stain!
August 11th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Sniff Sniff. I’m an addict I can’t help myself WAAAAAAAA Tell him to get clean and stay clean or he’s fired!
August 11th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Jesus, this is a tough room!! The guy’s got problems, allow him to attempt to fix them. As the great Sgt. Hulka said, “Lighten up, Francis.”
August 11th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
You think he’s got problems, I have 8 interest only mortgages ballooning in Bay Shore. I need a job Howard, let me back on the show
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
August 11th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
From now on Artie should have to preface every story he tells on the show with a disclaimer that it may or may not be utter bullshit to protect his image. Do your fuckin’ drugs if you want but don’t come on the air and make shit up.
August 11th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Fuck that fat bloated Guinea. He add’s nothing to the show. Nothing!
It’s too bad he is not a made man, the proper remedy would have been carried out years ago.
August 11th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Jackie Puppet, don’t you know you live in Bayville, not Bay Shore?
August 11th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
areeviderchy cocksucker
August 11th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
loser
sad funny loser
August 11th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Jackie Puppet hahaha. Yeah, Dana is sure to come running back to your arms now Artie. I dunno if I can believe he started up again when he said he did. I don’t think anyone can.
August 11th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Artie needs inpatient rehab and hard core detox.
He’s one foot in the grave, and it brings me NO joy to say that. The man is a walking russian roulette scene from “The Deer Hunter”.
You expect DeNiro to jump in at any point and say “THREE! I do THREE Bullets!”
God help him.
And you know the Teddy attack was totally Heroin related now.
August 11th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqakCa-MysE
Artie Lange’s “Life” right now.
August 11th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
[Listening to the replay]
Why can’t Robin keep her fucking big mouth shut for 5 minutes and let Arthur relay the fucking story.
The reason we had 3 fucking hours of Artie’s story is because of HER. Fucking whore.
August 12th, 2008 at 6:08 am
Get well Artie, There are are alot of people rooting for you..!
August 12th, 2008 at 8:17 am
I bought homes in Bay Shore tooooo.
I’m a broke idiot comic who needs a job. DIE ARTIE, DIE!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
August 12th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Me and Daner are still not taking him back. WOOF WOOF!
August 12th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
What a fucking penis pump! Wahhhhhhhhh…I drink too much, eat too many cupcakes, and snort smack. wahhhhhhhhh. Artie needs to stop hanging with a bunch of douchebags from “White Trash” New Jersey. Get a fucking grip and put down the bottle. Drinking is what leads to all your problems. Grow the fuck up and stop making excuses for yourself. Get Dana back in your life and give it to her BAllZ DEEP. Squeeze out some midgets, buy a swingset in the hamptons, and eat spaghetti on your back porch.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
While I LIKE Artie, I don’t love him like the sycophants (psycho fans?) do. To me, he has this BS Macho NY/NJ Italian arrogance about him that rubs me the wrong way.
At this point, 99% of what he says is BS. While he SEEMS like a nice guy, he is also a drug and alcohol abuser, and THEY are very hard to trust.
It’s ironic that on Sirius So Far last week they played the episode where Sal and Richard and Artie had a big spat, which ended only when Artie gave a big speech about he deserves to be respected and that THEY are the assholes. How do you respect a guy who has little to no self-respect himself!!
I agree with what one caller stated today that Howard and the gang do NOT take the situation seriously enough. WHY is he even at work this week? Is the HS show more important than his own mental and physical health? If I’m Howard, I give the guy a few weeks off, see what happens, then decide if he needs to be canned. From this perspective, time to go Artie, and take your scary “talents” with you.
Is this even funny anymore?
August 13th, 2008 at 10:04 am
i love artie. i wish i could bathe and soothe him all night long.