Florida Booey sent this video in. So in honor of Artie’s new found sobriety, here is a look back at Artie drunk during the 2004 Vegas show.

They told me Artie went to rehab I said no, no, no…

Artie goes back to his roots in shady pool halls, scores some H and jumps back on the heroin highway blowing off the Springsteen show at Giants stadium, misses the Bob Saget roast, cancels some standup gigs and checks back into “rehab”. As Howard put it, “Jackie Gleason times ten”.

As usual, Howard started off the show by setting up yet another highly anticipated return of Artie Lange by talking about his vacation and trying to reach the deadline of submitting the forward to Artie’s book. While rushing through the draft, Howard gets an email from Jimmy Kimmel saying that Artie didn’t make the Saget roast and is in rehab.

About 7 weeks ago Artie started hanging out with the old crowd, playing as an alternate in a pool league.  As Artie explains his background in billiards, we learn of yet another unheard tale of young Artie. Turns out, Artie was some kind of small time con man hustling a “room full of shitheads…complete losers” [students] in games of 9-ball like New Jersey Fats or something.

So Artie returned to the pool hall, skipped his subutex and started drinking. At the end of the night Artie was really drunk entering the “danger-zone”. He runs into some guy that offers Artie some heroin and Artie buys a couple of $40 bags. Fast forward to next morning Artie woke up the next day almost suicidal feeling guilty. He continues to party for a few days at home with lady H and three days before going to Afganistan he forces himself to stop. He starts taking subutex again and returns to a quasi normal routine.

8 hours after returning from Afganistan, happy from a successful USO tour, Artie rewarded himself with more heroin. Enter: the much talked about homecoming party at house where he previously claimed he was in the shower instead of entertaining guests. Artie wasn’t in the shower but was upstairs with some friends doing heroin. Robin said no wonder there was no food or booze for the guests because Artie was upstairs getting high.

Artie said his mother and sister could tell he was on something and started giving ultimatums [possibly stop talking to him]. They would tell him that the shore house was supposed to be a place he could relax. He said he couldn’t bullshit them anymore but he didn’t have the balls or guts to tell them they were right even though they are the most important thing in his life family.

Out of the blue, Richard Lewis called Artie and says that he really didn’t know much about him besides meeting through the show. He googled Artie and saw that he had had some problems. He told him that he wasn’t sure if Artie needed help but if he did there was a doctor that saved his life from addiction problems and that he understands comics and the road. While this conversation is going on, Artie has a big bag of heroin right on the table in front of him. To Art’s credit, he writes down the guy’s name and number.

The worst has yet to come

Now Artie had a Springsteen show and the LA trip coming up which was going to give him a rare weekend of hanging out with friends and make some money over there. Already Artie started not feeling well at all. He wound up sending 6 of his friends to the concert without him.

Next Artie is supposed to leave NY on Saturday at 3pm but he didn’t stop doing drugs. He was trying to figure out when he could take his subutex. Artie added that everything becomes hell because you are planning your life around it….when snorting heroin, he needs to do it a couple times an hour - a line or two just to stay normal or somewhat high.   Artie claims he never did it during the show. The high would go away but the withdrawals wouldn’t start until much later.

He tried putting off the flight till 6:50pm. This would transform his schedule to a day that starts 6:50pm New York time and end 1:30am LA time.   6:50pm begins looming on him like this torture time. He had run out of heroin at midnight the night before. He had set his alarm for 4:30pm. He wakes up and realizes nothing is packed and all the jokes [for the Bob Saget roast] are all over the place. He is running around trying to throw it all in a bag. Then he lost all track of time and dropped a subutex which is a big mistake because you are not supposed to take a subutex so soon after a taking heroin. Not to mention only within 3 hours of stopping a two day heroin spree.

As he is getting all his shit together he gets violently ill, the chills, but hot and pale as a ghost trying to get in a shower. Then he just became totally dysfunctional. He thought maybe he would just get on the plane without anything and buy clothes when he gets there. His assistant already had the jokes copied, all he had to do was get on the jet.

He tried taking another shower because he kept sweating. Every time he put on another pair of sweat pants, they would become soaked and he started running out of clothes. He got down to his last pair of pants and realized that there was no way he could make the roast. He puts a call into his pharmacist.   His concern was no longer the roast, but now was surviving, living and getting clean.   So naturally the next person he calls is his lawyer. It is now 1am LA time. He Leaves a voicemail saying that he is really sick and won’t make the roast (this now being on the day of the roast).

Now he looks in the mirror and sees his skin pigmentation turning green. He goes and lays down on the bed now writhing in pain thinking this is how this crazy life ends, dying at 40. The lawyer calls back and tells him he talked to the producer. Artie tells the guy he has the flu. The lawyer asks if he could just get on any plane. At this point, the producer is trying to get a show done so he says they can have a private jet with a doctor on board and there would be another doctor that would meet him in Burbank when he gets off the plane.

So now he is pondering how can he doing this but then realizing he would either die on the show or die on the jet, he starts thinking against it. He also knows that if he shows up, all the jokes will be about Artie and drugs during the roast. He then thought if he could get some morphine from the doctor that he maybe could pull off the show.  “The old me would have said fuck it, get on the plane and do more drugs”. This would be the first time he said no and that he really needed help.   He finally alluded to the lawyer what was going on and they told comedy central and they were really understanding and nice about it and very supportive.

Turning the stone

Artie takes the 2 Tylenol and somehow falls asleep. He wakes up 4 hours later in his bed soaking wet. He decides to get checked into a detox he knew about in jersey where he had been in before. He committed himself over night there but knew it wasn’t the best facility. The next day that said they would will let him out under a physicians care. So he called the Richard Lewis’ doctor. The guy answered the call and said he was expecting [Richard said Artie might call].

So as it stands now, he has been this doctor’s care for about a week. He is no longer popping subutex, only as the doctor prescribes – every 12 hours.  Artie said Richard was right about the guy, he is brilliant and he enjoys talking to him [talks to him for an hour each day]. Artie added that he would not be talking to him today because the guy was unavailable and that he was mad about that. A total 360 from where he was.

Artie said he received Howard’s forward at the perfect time. He was very touched and said it has inspired him to get healthy. His mom and sister read it as well and were also moved.  He said that it meant a million things to him. He said he had been off heroin for 8 days and loving his sobriety. The goal is to stop everything, even booze, for a long time and he has stopped shooting pool.

Howard noticed that Artie was popping a lot of Subutex this morning and asked if he was stressed out. Artie said he was really stressed because of the next 2 days.

Day 1 - Photo shoot

Artie is going to a photo shoot today for his upcoming book, Too Fat To Fish, and he is complaining that he is obese now and he doesn’t want a depressing book cover that lasts for ever. He kept coming up with reasons for not doing it, for instance, he has no clothes. What the hell - is this not show business?! Won’t there be wardrobe? The photographer suggested maybe putting Artie in a row boat in the Hudson river.

(thanks to George W. for the photo)

What the fuck Artie?!

Ya know for a funny, creative guy - Artie doesn’t try to do anything new. He was mentioning just using the same old picture he uses for everything (oddly enough taken by Dana) instead of a brand new photo. Even his comedy has been recycled for so long.

Day 2 - Letterman

The other stressful thing Artie has is the Late Show with David Letterman tomorrow.

BUPRENORPHINE - SUBLINGUAL (Subutex)

USES: This medication is used to treat narcotic (opioid) dependence. It works by preventing withdrawal symptoms, since it is actually a type of narcotic (opioid) itself. It should be used as part of a complete narcotic dependence treatment plan.

HOW TO USE: Place this medication under your tongue and let it dissolve completely, usually once daily for two days, or as directed.

SIDE EFFECTS: Drowsiness, dizziness, weakness, constipation, headache, nausea, or vomiting may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or pharmacist immediately. Tell your doctor immediately if any of these unlikely but serious side effects occur: slow, shallow breathing, mental/mood changes (e.g., depression), stomach/abdominal pain. Tell your doctor immediately if any of these highly unlikely but very serious side effects occur: dark urine, yellowing eyes and skin, vision changes.  Symptoms of an allergic reaction include: rash, itching, swelling, severe dizziness, trouble breathing. Narcotic withdrawal symptoms include diarrhea, severe mental/mood changes (such as anxiety, irritability, trouble sleeping), muscle stiffness or shakiness.

For those betting on Artie to die this summer might be in for some luck. During the news today Artie said that he is going with Jason to Amsterdam this summer. “I have the ability to do heroin for one night“, stated Artie. He asked the group if heroin was illegal over there and it was said that it was only a misdemeanor and Artie gasped with happiness.

“It’s like a wine drinker going to France and not drinking wine“, Artie defended.

Jason is afraid Artie will die over there and will be blamed for his death. Artie said on the wrap-up show that he is afraid that he might just stay in the hotel for five days with whores and drugs and that he has convinced himself that he could do H for a night.

Preface

About an hour into the show today, Howard said that he hasn’t been beating off lately which Artie chimed in that he was the same way. Howard said it was probably because of his weight. Artie said, “I can’t get myself into bed…I blew myself off”. Artie went on to say that he has had that “I gave up look of sweat pants and a beard” for awhile. Howard said that girls are “freaked out” and if he was to get in shape he would be banging all the time.

Rut of all ruts

Artie said its been a long time since he went out to New York to a nice dinner with a girl. He got used to that while dating Dana. He claims he had dated a girl for a little while but worried about it getting more serious than it was

“When i leave the show its to heaven or hell or Florida… my show business career ends here.”

“I have one friend and I’m in love with the lady friend Heroin and I can’t wait to …. ”

Maybe Artie loves self torture so much that he will stay on the Howard Stern show…. but with a little help from his friends… …. i get high with a little help from my friends … i get by with a little help from my friends., from my friends, from my FFFRRIIIEENNDDS.

I haven’t heard Artie yet this morning… either he is sleeping on the show or he is a no show?

I think that baby gorilla couldnt put the fork down this morning and instead of hearing howard and robin this morning, he stayed home to eat his french toast in quiet.

**** Update ****

Artie had to bail today to shoot some stuff for Rescue Me show.

“Heroin was first synthesized in 1874 by C.R. Alder Wright, an English chemist working at St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London, England.”

Get a full history at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heroin

After listening to the replay, there was more discussions about Artie’s absence on the show. Dominick suggested giving Artie a hair test which would show what drugs Artie has done all year.

Do you think they should test him? and if so -Do you think Artie would say No, Just Quit or Come Clean?