Headlines came over the news feed yesterday that sounded like a Halloween twist on Artie’s bestselling book, Too Fat To Fish: A Florida man accused of killing his son-in-law is using the defense that he was “too fat to kill“. It is also funny that the accused name is “Ates”.

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Thanks to Steve Gliner for this one

I am sad to announce that the San Francisco Zoo did not go with the name of Artie Lange for their baby gorilla. Instead, the went with the name, Hasani. HOWEVER, If you look at the press release, the name Artie was among the names submitted. Looks like we actually got their attention

SAN FRANCISCO (MARCH 11, 2009) – The San Francisco Zoo is proud to announce the winning name for one of the newest members to join the Zoo family. An infant male western lowland gorilla, born December 8, 2008, has been given the name Hasani, which means “handsome” in Swahili.

Entrants from age five to 100 joined in the name game and entered a myriad of both non-African names, such as Artie, Magilla the Gorilla, Sully and Gavin (in honor of San Francisco Mayor, Gavin Newsom) and names of African origin such as Barrack, Gyasi, Amari, Jabulani, Jelani, Neo and Zuberi.

click here for the entire press release

Handler’s celebrity roasting is generally good-natured, but Howard Stern’s sidekick Artie Lange is the one nasty exception. “Someone told me that Artie Lange said I was the most untalented person on television, and I’m like, Artie Lange is fat and disgusting,” she confided to us before her show. “He has no business talking about anyone’s talent, ever. I can’t stand him.” Chelsea then offers up a challenge. “If anyone sleeps with that man, without being paid, I will pay them $500, if they can prove that they had sex with him and he did not pay them.”

Read full article: Chelsea Handler barbs sooner or Lately

The Rolling Stone writer Artie called an “uppity bitch”, Vanessa Grigoriadis. Much like the rest of us, she suffers from a mild bipolar disorder. Thanks to John Alatis for the goods. Vanessa’s website.

Related stories: Revenge in Print: Page Six Attack Shocks Readers, Emasculated? We’ll See

Click image for full size photo.

And now for something completely different… ok maybe not so different.

Oprah Winfrey came out of the fridge to say she ways 200 pounds. I think Artie should be trying to bang her. She got mad money and they weigh relatively the same. The media giant has had a history of fluctuating weight despite her millions and private chefs.

“I’m embarrassed,” she writes. “I can’t believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I’m still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?’”

“Yes, you’re adding correctly; that means the dreaded 2-0-0,” Winfrey writes. “I was so frustrated I started eating whatever I wanted — and that’s never good.”

Winfrey also writes that her goal is no longer to be thin; instead, she wants to be strong, healthy and fit.

read full story here

Nice job Steve!

Chef Artie Lange shows us the proper way to butter a bagel.