Artie takes 4 categories in the Intern Awards!

- Worst dressed
- Worst role model
- Funniest
- Best personality

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A couple of Artie Lange comedy show notes (according to this site)

A performance over at the South Shore Music Circus in Cohasset that had been scheduled for  Aug. 29   has been canceled and a show set for  Aug. 30  at Cape Cod Melody Tent in Hyannis has also been canceled.

I have not independtly confirmed the above.

Fill in the blank:

Eric the ___________ midget.

George Takei Gay Bachelor Party!

Artie real briefly mentioned Dana today saying she chose whatever life she has now over a fat heroin user… something like that. I think it would be safe to assume that Dana was not the chick his was meeting at the bar.

Who likes Mondays?? Well, one thing that could cheer you up - George Takei is in studio!!

Funny Quote:

Robin:  [about George’s upcoming marriage] “… not some fairytale”
Artie: “Well they are fairies and they like tail.”

Do what you do best -

Its wednesday…. fucking wednesday.

Question:

Tattoos were being discussed this morning. Artie never would get a tattoo in the past but these days he would get one if he found something he liked.

What would be an appropriate tat for Art?

Florida Booey sent this video in. So in honor of Artie’s new found sobriety, here is a look back at Artie drunk during the 2004 Vegas show.

So whats the over under on Artie sleeping today?

They told me Artie went to rehab I said no, no, no…

Artie goes back to his roots in shady pool halls, scores some H and jumps back on the heroin highway blowing off the Springsteen show at Giants stadium, misses the Bob Saget roast, cancels some standup gigs and checks back into “rehab”. As Howard put it, “Jackie Gleason times ten”.

As usual, Howard started off the show by setting up yet another highly anticipated return of Artie Lange by talking about his vacation and trying to reach the deadline of submitting the forward to Artie’s book. While rushing through the draft, Howard gets an email from Jimmy Kimmel saying that Artie didn’t make the Saget roast and is in rehab.

About 7 weeks ago Artie started hanging out with the old crowd, playing as an alternate in a pool league.  As Artie explains his background in billiards, we learn of yet another unheard tale of young Artie. Turns out, Artie was some kind of small time con man hustling a “room full of shitheads…complete losers” [students] in games of 9-ball like New Jersey Fats or something.

So Artie returned to the pool hall, skipped his subutex and started drinking. At the end of the night Artie was really drunk entering the “danger-zone”. He runs into some guy that offers Artie some heroin and Artie buys a couple of $40 bags. Fast forward to next morning Artie woke up the next day almost suicidal feeling guilty. He continues to party for a few days at home with lady H and three days before going to Afganistan he forces himself to stop. He starts taking subutex again and returns to a quasi normal routine.

8 hours after returning from Afganistan, happy from a successful USO tour, Artie rewarded himself with more heroin. Enter: the much talked about homecoming party at house where he previously claimed he was in the shower instead of entertaining guests. Artie wasn’t in the shower but was upstairs with some friends doing heroin. Robin said no wonder there was no food or booze for the guests because Artie was upstairs getting high.

Artie said his mother and sister could tell he was on something and started giving ultimatums [possibly stop talking to him]. They would tell him that the shore house was supposed to be a place he could relax. He said he couldn’t bullshit them anymore but he didn’t have the balls or guts to tell them they were right even though they are the most important thing in his life family.

Out of the blue, Richard Lewis called Artie and says that he really didn’t know much about him besides meeting through the show. He googled Artie and saw that he had had some problems. He told him that he wasn’t sure if Artie needed help but if he did there was a doctor that saved his life from addiction problems and that he understands comics and the road. While this conversation is going on, Artie has a big bag of heroin right on the table in front of him. To Art’s credit, he writes down the guy’s name and number.

The worst has yet to come

Now Artie had a Springsteen show and the LA trip coming up which was going to give him a rare weekend of hanging out with friends and make some money over there. Already Artie started not feeling well at all. He wound up sending 6 of his friends to the concert without him.

Next Artie is supposed to leave NY on Saturday at 3pm but he didn’t stop doing drugs. He was trying to figure out when he could take his subutex. Artie added that everything becomes hell because you are planning your life around it….when snorting heroin, he needs to do it a couple times an hour - a line or two just to stay normal or somewhat high.   Artie claims he never did it during the show. The high would go away but the withdrawals wouldn’t start until much later.

He tried putting off the flight till 6:50pm. This would transform his schedule to a day that starts 6:50pm New York time and end 1:30am LA time.   6:50pm begins looming on him like this torture time. He had run out of heroin at midnight the night before. He had set his alarm for 4:30pm. He wakes up and realizes nothing is packed and all the jokes [for the Bob Saget roast] are all over the place. He is running around trying to throw it all in a bag. Then he lost all track of time and dropped a subutex which is a big mistake because you are not supposed to take a subutex so soon after a taking heroin. Not to mention only within 3 hours of stopping a two day heroin spree.

As he is getting all his shit together he gets violently ill, the chills, but hot and pale as a ghost trying to get in a shower. Then he just became totally dysfunctional. He thought maybe he would just get on the plane without anything and buy clothes when he gets there. His assistant already had the jokes copied, all he had to do was get on the jet.

He tried taking another shower because he kept sweating. Every time he put on another pair of sweat pants, they would become soaked and he started running out of clothes. He got down to his last pair of pants and realized that there was no way he could make the roast. He puts a call into his pharmacist.   His concern was no longer the roast, but now was surviving, living and getting clean.   So naturally the next person he calls is his lawyer. It is now 1am LA time. He Leaves a voicemail saying that he is really sick and won’t make the roast (this now being on the day of the roast).

Now he looks in the mirror and sees his skin pigmentation turning green. He goes and lays down on the bed now writhing in pain thinking this is how this crazy life ends, dying at 40. The lawyer calls back and tells him he talked to the producer. Artie tells the guy he has the flu. The lawyer asks if he could just get on any plane. At this point, the producer is trying to get a show done so he says they can have a private jet with a doctor on board and there would be another doctor that would meet him in Burbank when he gets off the plane.

So now he is pondering how can he doing this but then realizing he would either die on the show or die on the jet, he starts thinking against it. He also knows that if he shows up, all the jokes will be about Artie and drugs during the roast. He then thought if he could get some morphine from the doctor that he maybe could pull off the show.  “The old me would have said fuck it, get on the plane and do more drugs”. This would be the first time he said no and that he really needed help.   He finally alluded to the lawyer what was going on and they told comedy central and they were really understanding and nice about it and very supportive.

Turning the stone

Artie takes the 2 Tylenol and somehow falls asleep. He wakes up 4 hours later in his bed soaking wet. He decides to get checked into a detox he knew about in jersey where he had been in before. He committed himself over night there but knew it wasn’t the best facility. The next day that said they would will let him out under a physicians care. So he called the Richard Lewis’ doctor. The guy answered the call and said he was expecting [Richard said Artie might call].

So as it stands now, he has been this doctor’s care for about a week. He is no longer popping subutex, only as the doctor prescribes – every 12 hours.  Artie said Richard was right about the guy, he is brilliant and he enjoys talking to him [talks to him for an hour each day]. Artie added that he would not be talking to him today because the guy was unavailable and that he was mad about that. A total 360 from where he was.

Artie said he received Howard’s forward at the perfect time. He was very touched and said it has inspired him to get healthy. His mom and sister read it as well and were also moved.  He said that it meant a million things to him. He said he had been off heroin for 8 days and loving his sobriety. The goal is to stop everything, even booze, for a long time and he has stopped shooting pool.